I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
