Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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