I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you had me at cake vodka
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
