Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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