haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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