Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
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My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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