i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
