does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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