i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
