just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
COCAINE IS GR8
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
