At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
