I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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