If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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