I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
