Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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