can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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