It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She even gives head with a lisp.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
