we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
