I murdered the dance floor call the cops
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
