On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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