Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
