i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
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He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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