What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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