I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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