I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
