My cat gives me a boner
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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