If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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