dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
