headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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