he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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