I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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