Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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