john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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