I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
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Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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