guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
