i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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