I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
