i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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