A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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