hotel room ftw
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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