he shaved USA in his pubs
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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