My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
