She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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