I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
as a side note pls kill me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
