I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
