I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
