Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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