if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
