Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
