Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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