there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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