You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
