My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
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Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
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Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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