My room smells like vodka and shame
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
