Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
