Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
