people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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