God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
