I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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